Let's look at the French restaurant Ne Quittez Pas (translates in English to 'Please Don't Leave'), a place located in Tokyo, Japan that has a whole specialty course involving dirt as an ingredient.
No, there is no alternate definition for dirt, in this case. It's exactly what it sounds like. Dirt. As in the stuff you might walk on and be asked to scrape off your shoes before your mom lets you into the house.
Dirt.
Okay... maybe it's not just an ingredient one digs up in the backyard.
According to Torii Saeko (surname first), a representative of dirt manufacturer Protoleaf: "The dirt is called Kuro Tsuchi and it's volcanic ashes mixed with soil and plants from the Kanto District in Japan."
The Kanto district is that large swathe of area around Tokyo going up to Tochigi-ken (where there was a fair bit of radiation after the Fukushima-ken Dai-ichi nuclear accidents back in 2011). Other prefectures include Gunma-ken, Ibaraki-ken, Saitama-ken, Chiba-ken and Kanagawa-ken.
I think it's always good to know exactly where your dirt is coming from.
Torii adds, "It (the dirt mixture) has good bacteria, healthy minerals, and is natural and pure."
Can't argue with natural and pure. By the way, arsenic is also natural and pure, but it may not be good for you. It's always good to have someone else try the food or elements of the periodic table first.
According to Rocket News - a decent Japanese website - they sampled the wares at Ne Quittez Pas.
They say that while the dishes do look 'dirty', none tasted like dirt and were actually described as 'delicious' and 'divine'. Dead emperors were considered divine before the end of World War II, but if I ate one, would it still be delicious or sacrilegious?
Anyhow, they (Rocket News) sampled such dishes as:
- potato starch and dirt soup;
- salad with dirt dressing;
- aspic made with oriental clams and a top layer of sediment;
- dirt risotto with sauteed sea bass (see photo at the very top);
- dirt gratin, and;
- dirt ice cream.
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| Salad with Dirt Dressing. Someone make sure the leaves are washed, though. |
Rocket News says that the dirt they tasted had coffee grinds and palm fiber. Hopefully someone spit in the coffee grinds and had a monkey pee on the palm fiber. If you're going to go natural and pure, let's use all of Mother Nature.
While Protoleaf says their product is safe to eat - how do you know? How do you know what is really in your dirt? Could there be bits of glass (fused sand), toxins (I'm thinking arsenic) or rocks (like stones, but different). :)
Seriously folks, the restaurant and Protoleaf expect that by saying the dirt has good bacteria in it, that people will come running. The runs may be involved, but if you need bacteria (and we do), rather than lick a handrail at a train station, you could have a yogurt.
I've also heard that good bacteria is also in tempeh (not the one in Arizona), olives (not Popeye's girlfriend, but who really knows - guh-guh-guh-guh-guh-guh), pickles (Buddy's wife from the Dick Van Dyke TV show - why do I even know her name?!) or sauerkraut (too easy a joke). (I've got a million of 'em. Now... take my wife... please!)
And, if it's just dirt you want to eat, come to my house. It's filthy.
But if international dirt is more your thing, I'm sure its worth the drive, flight and walk and ambulance ride) to Ne Quittez Pas.
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| To wash down the meal - Dirt Ice Cream. |
Okay, I'm gamey. I was served a tall glass of chilled tomato consomme with some whitish grey froth on top. Okayyyyyy. I purposely dug down past the white froth to get at the red chilled consomme. I dipped a spoon in and say 'Mmmmm" because I am a consummate consomme professional and already dislike the consistency of this.
Still, because it's my birthday and because I don't want to disappoint these Japanese gentlemen who have befriended me these past several months - and I want to be the best gaijin (foreigner) possible and not cause trouble - I ate it. Froth and all - in several gut-wrenching spoonfulls.
As I swallowed (gulped in fear, actually) quickly, and was finished, I leaned over towards Mr. Kanemaru (the one boss who could not speak much English - as Mr. Hanazaki the better English speaker was off getting us more beer).
Kanemaru-san smiled at me and said in perfect English: "Delicious?"
When did he learn to do that?
Crap. Be nice, Andrew: "Hai (yes)."
"Would you like another?" - again with the perfect English.
"Oh no... that was good. So... what was it?"
Using his Japanese to Englih dictionary, he painfully found each word and translated it for me: tomato... consomme (I had no idea what consomme was back then, to be honest)... and then I asked what the stuff was at the top... he smiled an evil smile and showed me - he had this page folded (heathen - you don't wreck books!)... and pointed with his nicotine-stained pointing finger to: 'sea turtle'. Was he mocking me?
"Honto (really?)" I asked.
"Yesss," he hissed.
Whew! I thought... and then he flipped to another folded page and pointed ominously.... nodding that I should look if I dare... but because I had no idea he was being ominous, I looked...'phlegm'. That's spit...
Say what?!
I looked again... "Honto (really)?" I asked again.
He nodded, as I turned green as the algae growing on the back of a... what... crap... sea turtle.
I slumped back into the chair and wondered why they hated me so. If they wanted a new assistant English teacher, just tell me - don't kill me.
And... then I wondered.
What if the chef ran out of sea turtle phlegm? Would he just cough up a lougie (heavy chunk of spit)? Who would know?
Ugh.
I never ate French food in Japan again. Except for French Fries, though I preferred to call them Freedom Fries after the panicky U.S coined 11 years later.
It was my birthday! Couldn't they have let me eat cake?!
Somewhere wondering which tastes worse (in my head): Dirt or sea turtle phlegm.
Andrew Joseph
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