My friend Matthew wondered aloud if perhaps during such intercourse whether or not the true meaning of Christianity could have been lost in translation.
Now... because my real name is John Andrew Matthew Stephen Joseph, and I was born and raised a Roman Catholic - the one true religion, especially where Christianity is concerned (You do recall that the Protestants didn't like what the one true Christian Church was saying and so formed their own splinter group) - I thought I would take a crack at showing how a conversation between, say Commodore Perry and the Emperor of Japan might have gone had they sat down together and sucked back some U.S. whiskey and cherry cordials.
And, in case you haven't figured it out yet, I do not believe my religion is better than your religion, except if it is, and that all of what I am saying in this particular blog is for entertainment purposes only. And I mean no disrespect except where disrespect is intended.
Perry: So... your lordship... have you heard about the teachings of Jesus Christ?
Emperor: Please Admiral, call me The One True God and Emperor of Japan.
Perry: (Here we go again). I told you... I'm a Commodore... a made-up position given to me because there is nothing higher than an Admiral in the U.S. naval profession.
Emperor: So... you are like a God, then?
Perry: Yes... only much better paid.
Emperor: Me, too!
Perry: I'll drink to that!
Emperor: Kanpai!
Perry: Chin-chin!
Emperor: (speeeew!) No, Perry-san. Don't say chin-chin as a toast! It is disrespectful to Japanese!
Perry: Really? I am sorry. What does chin-chin mean?
Emperor: Penis.
Perry: Really, your highness, I said I was sorry.
Emperor: No, Como-san, chin-chin means 'penis'... you know... what we have between our legs.
Perry: I'm sorry.You mean the meat and two veg minus the veg?
Emperor: Cock.
Perry: Now you are being insulting.
Emperor: Yes. To your health and my small chin-chin.
Perry: You, too, huh? I blame God for that.
Emperor: Really? I can blame your God, too?
Perry: Sure. We have a pretty cool God, you know.
Emperor: Just one, right? We have plenty of Gods. Anytime something goes wrong, we blame that God.
Perry: Hmm... so you don't have to burden a single god with all of the crapola that goes on, eh?
Emperor: Correct. Are you sure you are not Canadian?
Perry: No. I have never seen an igloo and don't own a dog sled.
Emperor: Pity. So you don't play ski?
Perry: Uh, no (slugging back more whiskey). So... let me tell you about our God...
Emperor: ... So what does your God look like?
Perry: Well... he's a White male, I can tell you that much, but generally he doesn't look like much.
Emperor: Are you sure you are trying to convince me your Christianity is better than Shintoism? Or Tao... or Buddhism - which isn't a religion but is more of a philosophy?
Perry: Buddhism isn't a religion? Anyhow... (more imbibing)... we believe in The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit.
Emperor: So... you have more than one God?
Perry: No! Of course not! That would be stupid. The Father represents God (Jehovah), the Son is his prophet and son Jesus Christ, and The Holy Spirit is... I have no idea what it is, but it's pretty freaking powerful, let me tell ya.
Emperor: It sure sounds like three Gods.
Perry: No... these three individuals are actually the same being... a Holy Trinity.
Emperor: Uh-huh. Have some more whiskey, Perry-san. So... Christianity... what are some of the symbols of Christianity?
Perry: Well... there's the fish symbol...
Emperor: Is it because your Jesus fellow was a fisherman?
Perry: Uh... no. I think he was a Sheppard. I know his father was a carpenter. Oh... and we also worship his mother, the Virgin Mary.
Emperor: Is she a God?
Perry: No...
Emperor: Then why do you worship her? Isn't that against one of the Commandments - look, this isn't my first time at the Christianity Ball, okay...
Perry: Well... we worship her with respect because she gave birth to Jesus, our savior and still maintained she was a Virgin.
Emperor: Oh yeah.... I see... and didn't her husband the carpenter think this a little... strange?
Perry: Well, yeah, but she said an angel said she would be the vessel for the son of God.
Emperor: And the carpenter fellow said, okay?
Perry: Of course! If you can't trust a Virgin, who can you trust?
Emperor: I'll drink to that! Chin-chin! So... Jesus wasn't a fisherman? Was Jehovah or the Holy Spirit?
Perry: No, I don't believe so.
Emperor: So what's with the whole fish as a symbol for Christianity? (Nodding his head) Was it because he was born during the Age of Pisces?
Perry: I have no idea of what you speak. But it sounds good to me! ... (glug-glug)... no waitaminute... I think the fish is a symbol because he once turned water into wine and bread into fish because people were hungry.
Emperor: Couldn't the people have just eaten the bread and drunk the water? (sip)
Perry: The water was salty and there wasn't enough bread.
Emperor: So couldn't Jesus have just done a God trick and removed the salt and conjured up more bread?
Perry: The Jews wanted wine.
Emperor: So... your God is Jewish?
Perry: No! 'merican!
Emperor: Is Jewish wine good?
Perry: I don't believe it is, sir. Not at all. It's never been on anyone's menu at any restaurant I have ever visited... and I have traveled to a lot of freaking countries, sir.
Emperor: So the fish symbol... whatever... anything else?
Perry: (Oh crap)... The cross...?
Emperor: Oh yes... the cross... you know we once crucified some of you fellows a couple of hundred years ago. Christians. Such a lot of screaming. (sip)
Perry: ... (gulp-gulp-gulp)... the cross is a symbol of Jesus Christ knowing he was going to be betrayed by one of his followers, arrested and crucified on the cross.
Emperor: So he knew it was coming? And he didn't do anything about it? Like having his follower killed for being a traitor?
Perry: ...
Emperor: Why did he allow himself to be trapped?
Perry: So he could die for our sins.
Emperor: What sins? You weren't even born yet. Perry... what... did you doooooo?
Perry: Christ.. I... I think I just broke a Commandment.
Emperor: So... a symbol of your God is the Son of God hanging on a cross. Kinky... So... who was it that killed Jesus?
Perry: The Romans! They were evil bastards!
Emperor: Are they the mortal enemy of Christians, then?
Perry: Uh, no... The Romans are not the enemy of Christians... they became a part of Italy and Italy has named its capital city after the Romans--Rome--and the center of the Roman Catholic religion is in Vatican City... in Italy.
Emperor: So... the folks who killed the Son of God... or God himself... or is it 'itself'... whatever... it was the Romans?
Perry: Yes...
Emperor: And the Romans are now Italians, yes?
Perry: Yes...
Emperor: And the center of your religion is situated within the country of Italy, right?
Perry: Yes...
Emperor: And now your religion is this Roman Catholic one... named after the same people who killed your God?
Perry: Yes... but we're not Roman Catholics!
Emperor: Oh no?
Perry: No... we Americans are Protestants.
Emperor: What the hell are you talking about now?
Perry: Well, a while back some folks didn't care for the way the Roman Catholic Church was preaching about God et al, and so they broke away and formed their own religion. Basically... gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp-gulp.
Emperor: Really... are you sure you wouldn't rather pray to a rock?
Perry: Don't mind if I do, Emperor, old buddy. Don't mind if I do.
Emperor: Perry-san... I like the way you think. Perhaps your country and my country can do business after all.
Perry: Really?
Emperor: Nawwww! Jodan! (joke!)
Perry: Really? A joke.
Emperor: Tabun (maybe). Let us drink some more and discuss why my gods are better than your gods.
Perry: Okay...
Emperor: Chin-chin!
Perry: Balls.
And there you have it - 50 minutes of typing with no idea what I was going to type. If there is a God or a Rock out there - thank you for not smiting me with a lightning bolt or sic-ing a Golem on me.
I can only hope that the topic of religion was not brought up by the sailor boys visiting Japan alongside Admiral - that's Commodore! - Perry. Best to leave that sort of thing to people who know religion better.
And Matthew... thanks for being the Bud Abbot to my Lou Costello and feeding me a line/topic inadvertently.
And to all those who feel flummoxed... relax... have some whiskey and a cherry cordial. It's just a jodan.
Chin-chin
Andrew Joseph
By the way... that photo above... that's: Tokyo Cathedral (St. Mary's Cathedral). Photo by Tange Kenzo.
PS: I guess Perry might say to the Emperor in 2013 after quoting from Herman Melville's Moby Dick (Or Khan Noonian Singh from Star Trek II: "To the last, I grapple with thee; From Hell's heart, I stab at thee."
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